Olivia Poulet announces she is married: here are all the ways it differs from her ex Benedict Cumberbatch’s wedding.

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First of all, Olivia looks radiant. The Report wishes her and her husband the best.

Now down to the dirty stuff. Benedict’s ex of 12 years (1999-2011) has married. Here are all the ways her engagement and wedding differ from her ex boyfriend’s:

-the bride didn’t become knocked up without the man’s consent (read our previous posts about Cumberbatch admitting the pregnancy not being planned, and his schedule was chocked full for the next two years before he even began dating Hunter, and would have never brought a child into the world under such circumstances)

-the bride wasn’t pregnant when she walked down the aisle

-Poulet didn’t whore herself out to Vogue to let the world know which designer she was wearing for her wedding

-Poulet didn’t talk like an obnoxious, bratty moron when lying about “mood boards” full of “unicorns” and medieval paintings as inspiration for a dress that had actually been made for a show a year prior to her engagement and before she began dating her future husband

-the bride didn’t need to pull the husband’s connection with Anna Wintour, without whom she’d have never gotten the used, year old dress

-Poulet bought her wedding dress on a budget

-Poulet, a naturally happy and outgoing person, didn’t turn sullen, angry, and bitter towards her fiance the moment the engagement was announced

-Poulet or her husband’s camp didn’t leak the wedding date to the tabloids in the weeks and days prior to the event

-Poulet didn’t hire sniffer dogs for the wedding venue for an event. In Cumberbatch’s case almost no one cared and all but maybe 6-12 people showed up to the venue, even though their press made it sound like throngs were waiting outside.

-Poulet didn’t have streets blocked off at the wedding venue.

-Alleged details of the wedding, from poems read to dishes served, and photos of the program, were not leaked to the tabloids. (Whether those things happened with Cumberbatch because someone has shit friends or had their PR leak it to the Daily Mail is up for debate.)

-Poulet’s PR isn’t lying to the press about how long she and her partner had been dating

-the bride isn’t claiming she knew her husband for 17 years prior to their dating, even if it is the case

-the more famous person’s partner is also famous with a steady career in his own right

-the less famous partner has shown zero intention to leech off the famous partner’s name and reputation

-the less famous partner isn’t helming a publicity campaign to reinvent themsleves as some kind of artistic genius despite nothing to show for it

-the bride has never disrespected her husband in public from the moment their relationship went public

-the bride has no issue holding her husband’s hand or showing him affection, and her husband has no issue doing likewise

-no one is on Twitter bragging about taking part in the wedding

-there was never a flurry of news articles making bogus claims about the engagement ring costing anywhere from £50,000 to £300,000 depending on the whims of the day and how grand someone’s publicist wanted to make it sound.

-the bride’s mother never went to any tabloids bragging “watch this space” about her daughter’s relationship.

-The one official photo we have of Poulet and husband is of the couple smiling, while the two secretly taken (as far as we know) photos of Cumberbatch and Hunter at the wedding show them looking sullen, if not bored.

-Poulet never needed to marry Benedict Cumberbatch for the world to know who she is, and she’s never tried to sell herself to the public like we need to worship every shit that comes out her derriere.

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